wakey wakey hands off snakey
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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