I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
