I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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