I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
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