hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
