see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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