Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I booty called her while she was in labor.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Randomize
