i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
