I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Are my feet made of real feet?
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
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