I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
