Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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