The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
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