we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
