i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
