someone threw a dead crab at me
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
