I seem to have left my pride at pride
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
