ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Randomize
