I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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