I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
