I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Randomize
