Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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