his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
Randomize
