My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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