my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Randomize
