i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
