Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
