Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
