oh god the rape fog is back!
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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