That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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