Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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