..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Randomize
