two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
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