I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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