I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
