Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
