you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
How naked do you want me to be?
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