Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
