Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
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