I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
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