You really coming over, don't trick.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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