absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
