did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
