Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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