apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
