im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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