I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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