I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
