omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
fuck your aforementioned shoe
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
