Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
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