News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
