I faked an abortion last night.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
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