I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
